I Need a Break!

"I need a break," she said with desperation in her voice. Sorting and folding five loads of laundry, potty training preschooler in the background, home schooled high schooler in the kitchen, other kids already off to school and a gravelly cough in her throat, I'm not sure how my friend was even able to hold the phone. She lives in another state, or I would have gone over to her house and shooed her out the door for the morning. Her husband has been working very long hours at work, including most nights and weekends, for months now. She has been braving the homefront virtually alone, trying to keep up with all of her endless responsibilities. Her husband is willing but not able to help, so she's been burning both ends of the night to keep everyone happy. Everyone, that is, but herself.

This dear woman has spent the bulk of her adult life in a full time caregiving role. She has been selfless and dedicated and amazing. She willingly relinquished ambitions of further education and career for herself to raise a family. She has been doing it for almost twenty years now. Her children are phenomenal. Her home is immaculate. Her schedule is relentless. I worry about her.

"I guess I'll just have to wait until all the kids are out of the house before I can have a day to myself," she half joked. We have been trying to get together, meet part way, for months now. Each time she is unable to unravel herself from the complicated commitments of a large family to get away. We're in the midst of trying yet again. The problem is she's too good at what she does. She has sacrificed her own needs and desires for so many years in an effort to please and support and uplift her family that they simply don't understand why she would need to get away - to have some time alone. Isn't she happy? Doesn't she feel blessed? Why wouldn't she want to be with her family?

She is blissfully happily and mightily blessed, but she is tired. Understandably exhausted. She needs to reconnect with the woman that is uniquely herself. She needs to remember what it feels like, for a day or two, to be called by her own name instead of "Mom". She needs to wake up one morning and simply decide to do whatever it is that she wants to do. She needs to find an hour of solitude to sit by the beach to simply exist in the moment. In the quiet. To stop running, helping, erranding, fixing, feeding, cleaning, laundering, chauffering, pleasing and pushing herself. She needs to stop for a day or two. She needs some rest. She needs more than just a morning to sleep in, her soul needs rest from the chaos of the everyday. She needs to find and feel the beating of her own heart so she doesn't resent the demands placed on it by so many others.

"Am I normal?" she asked. Normal? She is unequivocally human. We cannot expect to give unceasingly without allowing ourselves time to recover. We need rest. We need respite. We need regeneration. But aren't we supposed to be charitable and selfless? Yes, but we must not forget to include ourselves in the equation of love, kindness and charity. If we who are primary caregivers do not love, honor and cherish our own needs and desires, how can we expect anyone else to?

Didn't the Savior Himself go into the wilderness to fast and be alone for forty days before beginning His ministry? Didn't He rest when He was wearied - even in the midst of the storm? Didn't he understand the need for nourishment during His sermon on the mount and stop to feed everyone, including Himself? Didn't He retreat often to recover and restore His strength? Even He who was gifted with almighty heritage required rest from the relentless demands of His life.

When we grant ourselves the gift of time we become more patient and willing to grant that gift to others. When we find the way to honor our heart, it is nourished and grows more capable of loving those around us. When we recognize our own unique qualities we can more easily see those same traits in others. When we listen to the voice of our own soul crying out for rest and recuperation, we can release hidden resentment when other voices request the same. Honoring the self is not selfishness. It is actually the key to selflessness. Heeding the divine within ourselves allows us to more easily comprehend the infinite essence of others. When we love and honor all of God's creations, we find the key to loving like He does.

So give yourself a break. You may just find it will make you a better person after all.

Vaulted Vision

We cannot hope to see God's face
Until we've seen His hand.
We cannot hope to recognize
Or even understand
The mercy of the Holy One,
His watchful, tender care,
Through blessings that surround us
'Til we see His workings there.

His hand is seen in tenderness
Of mother's first embrace
Of tiny infant placed nearby
Her wearied, grateful face.
His hand is witnessed carefully
Each time the sun doth rise
Then arcs upon its course along
The never ending skies.

His hand extends to weary hearts
Who suffer on their way
Through other hands who minister
And care for them today.
His hand is quiet, gentle, seeking
Place on every head
Who seeks to feel His presence
More than worldly praise instead.

And as we train our eyes to see
The smallest grace from Him,
Our vision will be opened to
The majesties within.
Our noble born inheritance,
His children we'll be known
As those who've seen His hands
We'll know His face when we are home.


Anna M. Molgard

© 2009 Faithsong Publications, L.L.C.
www.faithsongmusic.com

Here's a Kicker

Boy, you try and increase your writing output, taking care to post things you feel confident about when suddenly out of the blue you get thrown down a notch or two. I just got a notification from Google that they thought my blog was a spam blog. I'd never heard of such a thing so started looking at their links. In particular, they said "Spam blogs can be recognized by their irrelevant, repetitive, or nonsensical text..." I had to verify that I am an actual living, breathing human being, writing and posting on this blog. Glad my work is reaching someone - in all its nonsensical, irrelevant glory. Write on! :)

Homesick

Homesick today. Interesting though, I haven't lived in the state where I grew up for over ten years. I find that I'm feeling homesick, but not for any one place in particular. I feel a longing for snow capped mountains, for bustling cities and soothing beaches. My heart wanders to the west coast, east coast, midwest, deep south and across the sea to Europe. It searches for the hearts I've felt connected to over the many years and longs, somehow, to be with them again. My version of heaven is a way for all the lives I've known and loved to miraculously be connected again, reunited in a way that I can feel the love and friendship of kinship once again. Home is where the heart is - and mine is all over the map.

Storms

What do you do during a rainstorm? I hate the cold, so I usually do all I can to avoid getting wet, stay inside and curl up with a good book, a favorite movie, or bake with reckless abandon. Well, we had a rainstorm here today and my dog had a different idea. He decided it was the perfect time to go outside to find his favorite digging hole. It had become a virtual swimming hole and he thought it was the perfect time to excavate the wet, sopping mud. I didn't realize he'd gone outside until he came bounding in the back door, raced around my living room furniture and sprayed muddy water everywhere. He had soggy mud on his face all the way past his eyes, the slopping mess covering his legs and stomach, dripping off onto the floor. I grabbed his collar quickly before he did any more damage to my carpet and said, "First, grab the camera, then fill up the bathtub!"

I think the next time I face a storm in my life, I'll try to be more like my dog and look for the puddle to play in instead of the shelter to hide me from the rain. He was a terrific mess, but he was incredibly happy and pleased with himself. He hadn't even noticed the cold or the rain or the impending thunder. He was too busy splashing and digging. I'm not sure that every cloud has a silver lining, but every rainstorm makes a fine, sloshy mud puddle to pounce in.

Searching?

I am married to a man who can't find anything. I can describe to him in detail where to locate a particular item, he will go in that room, wander around aimlessly looking, only to return and tell me the item is not there. I will then walk directly in, go to the precise place I so carefully specified and find the item within seconds. I used to think he did this just so that I would stop asking him to get things for me, but then I started to go with him just to see. I watched him search under, over, and all around the spot never being able to find the intended item. This exchange has happened so many times that I developed a catch phrase for it. It now simply feels like a reflex to say, "Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there!"

I read an article in the USA Today this week that has me thinking. It was on Tues, Sept. 22, 2009 in the Life Section, page 7D and was entitled "15% now check 'no religion'" by Cathy Lynn Grossman. According to an 18 year survey directed by Trinity College based on a sampling of 54,000 adults, 15% of Americans now say they have no religious identity. Just over 1100 of those people were surveyed more closely to determine their specific views on God. The results of this more finite survey indicated that 21% of those men and 36% of the women definitely believe in a personal God. There was another segment (25% men and 22% women) who recognized a higher power, but no personal God. The rest of the people surveyed were either unsure or certain that God does not exist at all.

I respect every person's right to make decisions and judgments for themselves. I have a high regard for religious freedom and tolerance in this country. I witness on a daily basis families who sacrifice significantly to protect that freedom. But because of what I have experienced in my own personal life, I am inclined to say, "Just because you don't see Him, doesn't mean He isn't there."

I have witnessed His hand guiding my family throughout the years. I have seen Him lead me to specific people, places and even books when I have needed guidance or help or inspiration. I have seen Him inspire other people to be attuned to my needs and minister to me in loving ways. I have observed His tender care in the creation of beautiful things in this world. I have participated in the miraculous experience of childbirth three times. I have watched Him save, at different times, the lives of each of my children in marvelous ways. I have seen Him in the sorrow of death and loss. I have seen Him in the shadows of tragedy. I have seen Him in darkness, despair and grief, carrying me through the suffering to the other side where hope lives.

I know God lives. I know that He loves His children. I know that He is a very personal God who is interested and involved in the very details of our lives. He wants us to keep looking, keep searching, keep hoping.

Just because you cannot see Him, doesn't mean He isn't there.

Refill

I just refilled my almost deflated tires. It's amazing how much better my bike rides now. It's smooth, balanced and requires much less effort on my part to ride well.

It got me wondering about the rest of my tires. When was the last time I refilled? I could use some balance.

Anna's Refills...

Reading a novel just for fun
Yoga
Biking along the river
Lunch with a good friend
Fine chocolate
Reading to my kids
Snuggling with my dog
Spontaneous outing with my husband
Time to aimlessly wander in a bookstore
Napping
Sitting and pondering in nature

I think I'll go curl up with my dog and a book and maybe take a little nap. Feeling like I could use a refill. I'm sure the rest of the day will require much less effort if I do.

What are your refills?