In Memoriam

Dear Reader,

If you ever find yourself in the darkness, the deep kind filled with despair and indecision, the kind that feels never ending, like there is no way out, I want to promise you there is. You may feel like you are the only one who feels the way you do. You might stand in a group of people and feel totally alone. You may hear comments or half conversations and be convinced that others are speaking unkindly, ignoring you or can't understand how you feel.

Let me tell you a secret. We all feel that way sometimes. We all have moments when we feel uncomfortable, inept and alone. It's a huge risk to open up to another human being. When we open up we risk being rejected or feeling stupid. Maybe you've felt that. We all have. Some of us cover up our feelings of rejection with bravado and ill treatment of others. Some of us choose to talk endlessly so that we never have to feel the silence of our sorrow. Some of us walk around all day pretending everything is wonderful and come home and cry ourselves to sleep. Some of us feel constant anxiety and fear of rejection. But all of us feel, reader. All of us understand.

You may feel like you will never feel any differently - that life is pointless. You may decide in that moment that life is not worth living anymore. You may consider doing something drastic, something final in that moment. Perhaps you think nobody will notice or care. If so, I wish you could have been with me in my car last week to see the faces of shock, terror and grief as the ambulance arrived. I wish you could have heard the cries of disbelief and anguish over a life cut so short, so suddenly, so pointlessly. I wish you could hear the expressions of grief by close friends, blaming themselves for the words not said or the signs not seen. I wish you could feel the sorrow of strangers feeling the loss, sharing the burden of grief. I wish you could see and feel the ripples of a life stilled in such a sudden and tragic way and the never ending wish that that life were still with us.

I hope that you would consider, for a moment, that your life touches others. Your presence, your breathing, your essence carries beyond yourself in every moment to other people. If they knew, if they really knew of your deepest feelings they would tell you that you are not alone. They would plead with you to talk to someone about how you're feeling. They would want you to know that life is worth living, even when it's hard. They would want you to know there is hope.

There is a way out, a different way. I promise.

Take a walk - notice the creations around you. Consider the care with which they were made. You are infinitely more important than the most perfect flower or tree. Find an animal and spend some time with it. Softly stroke its fur or wing. Feel its innocence and peace. Listen for its heartbeat and consider the gift of your own. Write your feelings down, the sad ones, the scary ones, the silly ones and the insecure ones. Validate for yourself what you are feeling. Recognize that you have words to speak. Things to say. Things worth saying. Listen to a song, not one filled with anger and despair. Find music that speaks of hope, of peace. Listen carefully to how you feel as you hear it. Let its beauty fill you. Read a book about someone who knows what it is to suffer, study how they have fought the darkness. Learn from them. Try to emulate them. Study your medications. Sometimes certain medicines that work wonderfully to help us with asthma or anxiety can cause devastating effects on our minds. Perhaps adjustments need to be made. Read about your family. Find out if anyone else in your family, present or past, has had struggles like you are having. Sometimes our heredity betrays us with our genetics and we have to fight the demons harder than others. This is not an excuse or a source of blame, it is a pathway to treatment and understanding.

Finally, reader, talk to someone. If you still feel the darkness, the despair pulling at you and dragging you into the place of no return, tell someone. If you can't speak the words out loud, write them in a letter. Not a final letter, but a letter to someone you know would want to know. Then wait. Wait as long as it takes. They may not know what to say or how to help. Their silence may not be one of carelessness, but of fear and uncertainty. If they don't respond, tell someone else. Tell and tell and talk and talk until someone listens, really listens. Then let them help you. Open up and let them listen. Let them understand your world of sorrow. Let them lead you to people who can show you the way out of the struggle. Let them remind you that you are not alone. You are not beyond help. You are of infinite worth.

There is a way out. I promise.