Balancing Act

It's days like these that make me remember when I was a little girl. I grew up in a small town with not much going on from day to day, so it was a huge deal when the circus came to town. I remember how excited everyone would get and it would build for days before the actual event. I wasn't anxious to see the clowns, the lion tamers or even the man being shot out of the cannon. I remember being mesmerized by only one act - the tightrope walker. I remember my heart pounding as he walked up the enormous ladder to the tiny landing. I was flabbergasted when I realized there were no harnesses or safety equipment for him, just a very long pole. I sat transfixed in my seat, watching every careful step forward, waiting as he wobbled at times, using the enormous pole to recorrect himself and keep from falling. I'm sure I held my breath from the moment he stepped onto the wire until he made it safely to the other side.

I have had to learn how to be more careful in my life. This past year I have been plagued with illness and injury. As a woman who has never failed to find intrinsic drive to motivate myself to push harder and reach higher, I've had to return over and over again to the principle of balance. I have a fetish for calendars and lists. I love getting a new calendar each year and turning over a new page each month. I used to look forward to filling it all with with neat, organized events that were designed to help me accomplish my goals. I've had to learn to let go of much of that this year and simply focus on getting from day to day. As my health has slowly returned to me, I have found myself gravitating back to my old ways. It's been especially difficult at the start of this new year. It's time to set goals! It's time to make lists! It's time to fill up a new calendar!

I spent the morning yesterday making a six month plan, complete with daily, weekly and monthly goals. I was so excited and motivated. I was even feeling proud of myself that in the goal setting session I recognized some limitations on my time and decided to postpone several large scale tasks that will require some significant chunks of time that I simply cannot carve out for a while. So I just set them aside for now. I felt like I had found a happy balance between drive and realism. Then as I went to bed, I started feeling unwell again. That led to another sleepless night, another difficult morning just trying to accomplish the mundane, leaving me with a list that today felt impossible and unrealistic, even with the edits.

Perhaps it's my pacing. Part of the tightrope walker's ability to actually cross without tragedy was that he moved slowly, deliberately. If he had simply bolted out, he surely would have tumbled to his demise. He would take a step, then wait to let the rest of his body adjust to the new position, using his pole to help him find that place of quiet calm before taking the next step - and so on and so on until he reached his goal.

Guess I'm just in a state of constant adjusting, waiting for my body to get used to this deliberate pace and granting myself the time to find a place of balance before trying to move forward any further.

Just a daily balancing act...welcome to the tightrope!