How to Say "Yes" - in Moderation

In the past 24 hours I have heard from one exhausted, burned out friend after another. One is ready to run away to the beach for the weekend. Another just wants a good night's sleep with less to do. One didn't say much - she was too tired. I remembered this morning another friend asking me a few months ago how to do it.

You see, there are some of us who view a certain two letter word as akin to profanity - never to be uttered, only being heard in desperate times of complete exhaustion with extreme frustration followed by instant regret. So in deference to my amazingly talented friends and to avoid any confusion with profanity, I entitle this entry 'How to Say Yes - in Moderation'. I hope to share a few principles that have helped me in this difficult endeavor.

Yes means yes. You know the moment. You find yourself saying yes with your mouth while thinking in your mind, "Not right now, I am so tired and I already have to take dinner to the neighbor down the street who just had a baby and my husband is working a double shift and my toddler smeared lotion all over the bathroom just as I left"? The next time a request is made and your feel yourself at the breaking point, before you answer, take a deep breath. Count to 10. Pause to listen to what your mind and heart are saying. If your truly honest heart is crying uncle, politely decline. There is no explanation needed beyond, "I'm sorry. I can't today." If your heart is sincere, the other person will feel it and understand, "If I could, I would." Hang up the phone or leave the encounter, be silent and breathe again. What is your heart telling you? It will take some practice to really listen and hear. But if you have honored your truth, your heart will thank you. When we say yes, we should really mean yes. Being willing to say honestly, "I can't right now" allows us to be genuine in the times we do say, "Yes." Practicing this principle has allowed me make offers of friendship and service with sincerity, without feeling resentful. I tell people often, "I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it," and they believe me. Because yes really means yes.

Remember, not now doesn't mean not ever. Often when we are presented with an opportunity, we overlook any potential conflicts or detriments to our routine or workload and seize the moment. We think, "Well, this will never happen again!" I've moved enough times to understand the principle that there will always be another house. Our first home purchase was during the great housing boom when houses were sold sight unseen. We spent an emotional week with pressing moving deadlines losing house after house. But we kept searching and sure enough, we found another house. I sincerely believe that when we have the courage to be realistic with our expectations, being willing to pass by opportunities in the name of balance, those opportunities are not lost forever. Just because you don't do something now, doesn't mean you can't do it ever. There are lots of years ahead. Life is constantly changing. There will always be another house.

Be patient. Some things take time. Often driven, motivated people have unrealistic expectations for progress. We think we should be able to learn or finish things without delay. We find ourselves getting frustrated when those accomplishments don't meet our expectations. Several years ago I learned to stand on my head. I joined a very challenging yoga class and had been practicing for quite a few years, so I expected to make quick progress in this class. But I had never seen anyone do headstands and when I watched several women make it look simple, I was determined to follow suit - quickly. Only I couldn't. My arm and upper back muscles weren't strong enough yet. I thought I could figure out how to do it in a matter of weeks. Well, those weeks turned into months and eventually, after a year of almost daily practice, I could finally stand on my head. It took lots of patience and lots of time, but I did it. Some things just take time - a lot of time. Be patient.

"You say potato, I say potato." We all have different talents and interests. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. I have learned that this means we all have different things that bring us joy. Once I learned to let go of worrying about other people's hobbies or interests and simply sought out ways to enjoy my own, I became a much happier person. The beauty of this truth is that it allows me to enjoy others' expressions of their gifts without feeling like they are an indication of my failures. For example, when my daughter was small I took a cake decorating class with a friend. I took it simply to learn the basics so I could not embarrass my children at their birthday parties each year. It was somewhat interesting to me and I did fairly well, but after spending hours piping a realistic looking Elmo cake for her next birthday I realized that cake decorating was not my bliss. My friend, however, took off. She spent years progressing, learning new techniques, and now has a business making fabulous cakes. I am thrilled for her, sincerely. She found her passion. I learned cake decorating is not for me, so I let it go and never looked back. I found words and writing instead. Potato - potato. Discover what you love. Pursue it. Embrace it. Let others do the same. Amazing. Liberating. Joyful.

I need a nap. I canceled on a friend the other day. We have been trying to coordinate our schedules for a writing session for weeks. We had a terrible thunderstorm the night before and my dog and children were spooked by it and up most of the night. Needless to say, I wasn't at my best the next morning. I knew that if she came over, I would be useless to her because I was completely exhausted. So I rescheduled. I needed a nap. So often we neglect our physical needs in the name of productivity. And yet, our bodies are the vehicles that allow us to accomplish everything in life. Sometimes we don't get enough sleep. Sometimes we are sick. Sometimes we need to eat. We need to listen better to our bodies - honor the things they are telling us. When we listen and honor our physical needs, we are more at peace. We have more energy. We are more able to be patient with others.

I often wonder what would happen in our fast paced society if everyone were willing to say yes - only in moderation. I think we would all smile more, we would be better rested, we would be more willing to help each other with sincerity and we would be more patient. Say yes - but only when your heart tells you to. Remember that not now doesn't mean not ever, there will always be another house. Be patient. Find your own passion. And take a nap. Have the courage to find the place of balance, listen to what your heart is really saying to you. You just might hear it tell you 'YES!'